I have just finished the Fifty Shades of Grey series.? Given the runaway success of the novel and its sequels, particularly among women, do you think bondage and consensual S&M can play a healthy role in a successful, long-term relationship? I would really like to explore this type of relationship with my husband, but my friends tell me I?m twisted for wanting it.
-Laura B; San Diego, CA
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Laura.? You are not twisted.? Far from it.? This is not only a very common fantasy, but a very common dynamic for relationships in general.? Over 50% of couples practice some form of bondage or role play that involves power exchange.? That is far from abnormal.? I myself am quite submissive to my lover (both in the bedroom and out), and I don?t think I?m twisted.? I had a good upbringing and childhood, I?m college educated, and never had any traumatic life experiences that would suggest emotional instability? but I my lover is also my Master and I?m not ashamed of that. According to Alfred Kinsey, ?in the realm of the human sexual experience, the existence of?perversity?seems highly unlikely.? ?As I am wont to do, I?ve compiled a bit of a list for your edification on the subject.? The amount of information can take up hundreds of pages, and in fact, many books have been written on the subject, but I?ll try and keep it short.
Here are my principles for a healthy full time ?50 shades? BDSM relationship.
Consent and a strong desire.
This is the basic foundation for any relationship, but it becomes especially relevant in D/s. You must choose this relationship because you want it, and you must want it enough to make it an everyday thing rather than an occasional one. You must be willing to consent to the role you have chosen, and you must follow those rules with love and desire.? You must also have a partner that is willing to take on the opposite role with equal gusto or it won?t work.? Have a conversation with your husband and be very honest and trusting.? Communication is the most important thing in a relationship, and that really goes double if you are tied up and being spanked.
Distinction between fantasy and reality.
Let?s be honest for a moment. You are not aroused at all times. Relationships go beyond the orgasm, and the same goes for a sexually charged power play relationship.? You must be willing to do this for more reasons than sexual desire.? This is not a huge ongoing role-play scenario. It?s an intensification of the power-based parameters in which you want in your everyday life. If you simply try to extend a role-play scenario into your entire relationship, you?ll find that the narrow parameters of a persona or character are simply not big enough to encompass who you are, and need to be, every hour of every day.? This is not about restricting yourself to a specific set of characteristics for an hour or two in the bedroom; it?s about bringing all of who you are to the table and offering it within a full-spectrum relationship. That means you?re doing it regardless of what you?re wearing (leather, work uniform, bunny slippers?) and where you are (bedroom, dungeon, airport, family dinner). A lot of the classic ?it?s just play? concepts that you might hear in a BDSM 101 workshop go right out the window here because what you are doing is not a scene. It becomes your way of life.
Motivation.
You must choose this from a place of strength. You do not need this; you desire it? a lot. In other words, you?re not embarking on this type of relationship because you?re co-dependent or need a D/s dynamic to be able to function in life. You cannot be making up for dysfunction in your life.? If you are, you need to see a licensed therapist, not a dominant.
Acknowledgement of equality.
You are choosing a relationship form that suits you because of your individual chemistry and fit, NOT because one of you is inherently superior, and certainly not because of gender, sex, race, age, financial situation, ability, community standing, etc.
Just because you enjoy being tied up, spanked, made to kneel for hours? whatever your kink is, doesn?t make you less of a person or unequal in any way.? You are obtaining emotional and spiritual gratification from this lifestyle, and so is your partner.? They are not better than you in any way.? You are still a strong individual, and equal in your relationship.? Never lose that or forget that.
Strong communication.
This is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING in any relationship.? Period.? Communication is essential?and that does not mean the submissive ends up baring their soul while the dominant remains impassive and aloof. Communication works both ways. So regardless of your place in a BDSM relationship, take a look at your communication patterns as they currently are, identify the places you need to improve, and work on them. Improving your communication skills is a lifelong project for most of us, and it is wise to see that as a good thing rather than as a chore. Learn to love it. Results will follow.
Support.
Full time BDSM relationships are intense. Have I mentioned that? Intense, soul-searching relationships that affect every moment of every day do not exist in a vacuum. The kind of exploration and self-revelation that so often comes with BDSM can make you go a bit nuts if you have no outside support. That support can take many forms:
- Participation in some sort of kink community can be incredibly helpful?it can provide relationship models for you to look at and learn from or discard as needed. Even if everyone around you does their kink differently than you do, that can help you better understand who you are (and are not) and what you?re doing (and not doing).
- Reading, workshops, discussion groups, and any number of other educational resources can similarly give you a few ideas to chew on, frameworks that may or may not work for you, and language to help you understand and express what you?re getting up to.
- And last but not least, friends you can talk to about BDSM. Non-kinky (but kink-friendly) friends are a great start, because the kind of challenges that come up in BDSM are very similar to those in any other relationship. But frequently enough, BDSM relationship issues will also have a stigma all their own, and even the most open-minded or well-intentioned vanilla friend may have a hard time truly getting it.
A classic warning sign that a BDSM relationship is not healthy is when one of the partners tells the other not to talk about it with anyone else, or not to participate in the kink community. You of course want to maintain respect for each other and your relationship ? airing your dirty laundry for all to see or trashing your partner loudly at a play party is just not classy. But having one or two trusted friends to turn to in times of trouble can be essential, and a wise dominant will encourage the submissive to seek out support rather than discouraging it.
Patience.
You are just starting out, and this stuff takes a long time to explore in great depth.? It?s always best to start by holding back, not rushing forward. Taking on responsibility for another human being, or being taken care of in a polarized power situation is simply not something that?s wise to do quickly or carelessly. Take your time. Learn what you need to learn?about yourself, about them, about how to do this well and feel good about it.
Finally Laura, always trust your feelings and play safe.? You are embarking on a wonderful journey that can be scary, exciting, and dangerous.? Don?t be afraid to set limits, and don?t be afraid to push those limits.? It can be a very fulfilling lifestyle choice, and it?s one that I?m glad I discovered.
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?Ask Her? is answered by relationship expert and shameless bikini bartender Bailey Ryan, who specializes in picking up women, off-road Jeep tech, and relationship advice. Feel free to send any questions your heart desires to the magazine or Bailey directly, either on twitter:?@chirebailey?or email:?AskBaileyRyan@gmail.com.
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